Positive Communication Skills

today we're talking about positive
communication skills we have a very
special guest dr. Julian Miravalle so
let's get into the details hey there
welcome back
Alex Lian here and today we have a very
special guest dr. Julian Miravalle he's
professor in interim dean at the
University of Arkansas Little Rock he's
here to talk to us today about positive
communication skills and you could say
he wrote the book on it the art of
positive communication it's available on
Amazon it's a real pleasure to have him
here talking to us today and he's also a
really good friend of mine so please
welcome dr. Julie remember how are you
doing my old friend I am doing fantastic
it's so good to be able to spend some
time with you and all of your
subscribers glad to share the moment I'm
looking forward to this conversation
with you thanks for being here really
appreciate it I'm glad we finally got
you on the channel so let's jump right
in how did you first become interested
in positive communication and how did
this model come about okay you know my
whole passion with communication has
always been about how it's a big
question and I want people thinking
about that question what does it look
like when we communicate at our best so
the first thing really was not about
positive communication it was really
about a fundamental question what does
it look like when we communicate at our
best what does it look like when we
communicate our PEAC what behaviors
exemplify what we're capable of doing in
most of our social life with our parents
with our family with our friends at work
at home with our kids and I really
wanted to know what are some of the
small behaviors that we have control
over that can make a big difference in
all of those relationships so you really
all started with big questions about the
nature of excellence the nature of
ethical communication and what it takes
small concrete behaviors that all of us
can practice they're going to help us
create positive relationships wonderful
and this model has six part C six
key communication skills of what you
call critical behaviors so let's go
through all six for our viewers the
first one is the importance of greeting
people what is so important about
greeting one another you know the reason
why greetings are so important is
because they literally are at the
opening of every conversation we have
with other people so it's the starting
point of every relationship the starting
point of every friendship of every
loving romantic relationship we have
even in the morning if you've got
children you know one of the first thing
that takes place is your kids you know
greet you they come to see you and so
greetings are at the really starting
point of how relationships happen and I
find them to be really greetings are
really critical because of the functions
that they serve in these early early
points yeah I've noticed that myself
if I'm meeting up with somebody or if I
bump into somebody if the greeting is a
little off if it doesn't have that
positive connection it really sets this
strange tone for the rest of the
conversation yeah so the behavior is
really about and in the model I talk
about it as something that is an
encouragement to kind of to move in
towards people because greeting is the
opening up of connection and it serves
the really critical functions of
creating the beginnings of our
relationships right and we feel it when
it's absent so what is the first thing
that's going to disappear when people
have a conflict is they're not going to
want to greet each other they're going
to want to separate so greeting is kind
of the opening up of that bridge opening
up of that connection almost anywhere in
the world
every culture we've ever studied people
have greeting sequences in place you
know in France it's a couple kisses on
the cheeks in Saudi Arabia it's a salam
alikoum peace be upon you if you go to
China it's Niihau beautiful greeting if
you go to India namaste
you know I see the light in you and I
start this interaction with the fact
that you have character so I find that
greetings are really important and a
point of emphasis because
all of us have the ability to greet not
always in all languages but we can
certainly learn how to move in and we
can learn to to write the opening of
emails with a warm tone we have the
capacity so it only becomes a point of
intention excellent all right so start
with a good strong greeting a warm
greeting agreeing that presses in and
connects with the other people so
behavior number two is about asking good
questions so what kinds of questions
really build relationships okay so the
questions that people that I'd like to
talk to people about is being able to
learn how to flip your questions so
maybe I can give you a contrasting an
example you know you're you're coming to
work in the morning you're walking
through the hallway and the first
inclination as it would be for me is I
see my staff where I see people I work
with them like did you have a good
weekend and you'll notice here that the
only answer is yes or no it's it's a
closing off of the encounter we call
those questions closing it questions but
I could just do the same thing I could
walk in and say hello to some of my
staff and I could say hey what did you
do this weekend
and it's a small change but now when I
say what did you do this weekend I'm
actually putting myself in a position of
curiosity I want to discover why went on
in that person's life so asking
questions in the way of kind of doing it
positively is making that shift from
closed-ended to open-ended so that you
can open up a little bit more of that
discovery of the other person so there's
open-ended questions might start with
how or what and it invites people to
share more detail and and literally you
open the conversation rather than the
closed-ended question sort of shutting
that question down really quickly and
not really inviting much detail yes or
no question doesn't invite much detail
it doesn't lead to those warm positive
relationship building moments yeah and
you can I mean anybody here can go home
you know with their partner their spouse
even their children and you can test the
difference you can say did you have a
good day and then just hear the response
and probably you'll get something
minimal yeah
not too bad but if you ask you know what
did you do during the day
suddenly the answers the possibilities
are going to open up and people will
always take you up on it you know it's
not a law but it's a guide and when you
make that transition you notice that you
are learning a lot more about people
around you and that connects you that's
where the connection is in the discovery
and the learning about the other people
excellent
and number three another aspect of
positive communication is helping people
to feel good about themselves so how can
our viewers make other people feel good
about themselves you know it's it's
actually really simple it's figuring out
what are the good things the strengths
the things to celebrate about the people
around you it's really an other oriented
move right I am paying attention and you
are paying attention to what is going
well with the person that you're
interacting with and being able to bring
that to life so complimenting is very
simple just celebrating that person's
strengths that person's abilities to
notice what you see in them that's going
so well and that's really all it takes
is easy easy complementing of that
person and it helps to you know in our
field it helps to communicate to people
who they are it affects people and
that's the lesson that we know is we
know communication affects people so
complimenting is the decision to kind of
use communication in a way to bring
people up to celebrate their strengths
rather than say their weaknesses that's
wonderful so along the same lines how
can our viewers create more closeness
with other people so the way to create
closeness you know in the kind of the
the forth behavior of the model is
really about disclosure so we create
intimacy it's very simple we create
intimacy with other people by revealing
who we are and the more intimacy we feel
typically is because we've been we've
had the courage and the willingness to
get into that relationship and say this
is really Who I am you know
this is really what I'm thinking this is
really my values this is what I believe
in and the more we can share away the
the kind of the masks are pretty you
know the way we pretend to be the more
we can really connect you know an easy
way to think about this is to think I
like to kind of share people okay today
like right now you could just text
someone you could email someone you
could call someone and just tell them
you know I'm thinking of you and I'm
just really grateful for you I'm
grateful to have you in my life and
you'll notice if you do that it takes a
little bit of vulnerability right
there's a little bit of a of a thing
that you have to overcome but the
beautiful part of that easy thing is
once you express the gratitude that's
going to necessarily impress the the
closeness that you have with that person
it's gonna be it's gonna help you deepen
that relationship yeah and I gotta say
you you practice what you preach when
you send me texts you say hey been
thinking about you and you really do
that well and what it does is it frees
me up to reciprocate it it creates room
for me to be authentic in return and
then you do feel closer you know I can't
tell you how many times you've said hey
man just thinking about you miss you
looking forward to talking soon and if
I'm like hanging out with my wife Aaron
I'll say Oh Julian was just saying this
nice thing and that great and it really
does create that bond of closeness so I
do appreciate that and you're not just
writing about it I live this we try to
do I can't just share a quick story yeah
she once asked people in an audience
that I loved I asked people in an
audience like 300 people to say to do
that exercise so we're in a room
everybody is sending these beautiful
messages of gratitude 300 beautiful
messages of gratitude into the world and
then somebody raises the hand and
they're like I got an answer I got an
answer so I said well what did they say
and the response was who the hell is
this and so I want people to know it's
not always going to be reciprocated and
people may be confused by that move but
it is positive communication to have the
courage to send that text and to say to
that person I'm grateful for you and I
love you and I miss you and and I value
that connection I valued that
relationship right yeah there's a little
risk involved in expressing closeness
but more I find more often than not if
you've if you're around the right people
to begin what they do appreciate that
and they handled it pretty well they'd
be not to know how to do it back yet but
you're leading by example by trying so
number five in the model is about when
people are enough so we're not always
feeling great sometimes we're struggling
right so what's the best way to
communicate when people are feeling down
you know the first thing I will say here
for people it really is hard sometimes
we feel like we don't have the skills to
help people and to say and communicate
the right thing at the right time you
know that's a pretty common human
experience somebody is not feeling good
and we want to help them and we don't
know what to say but I the research that
we've done does show us that the best
thing we can do is to have the
willingness to even just put a few words
together
to encourage that person you know so
even to be able to say hey I'm here with
you you know I don't know what to do but
I'm here with you and I stand by you and
you're going to overcome this and we're
gonna do it together you can see
suddenly the words start to add up you
know then what the possibilities are
but what our research has shown us is
that when people make that move when
they take a little bit of a moment to
say you know I was thinking of you and
I'm here for you and I think you're good
you have a bright future ahead of you
whatever the encouragement might be
those conversations stick in that
person's mind literally forever you know
our conversations have an afterlife so
what we're doing is once we speak the
words it stays in that person's mind and
two years down the road five years down
the road ten years down the road people
can come back to it they can relive that
moment they can feel the strength out of
that statement and you can take any
ordinary conversation
any simple phrase can become an
extraordinary moment for somebody who
who is not doing well at that time yeah
I like how you emphasize this it can be
almost anything you don't have to say
the perfect statement or the thing that
is so deep and so profound it can just
be your way almost anything you say to
say you're there for them shows them
that you are in it with them that if
they want to say more just just knowing
you're available for that is a huge
encouragement to them you don't have to
solve their problem with the perfect
expression just any just trying to begin
with is a great move in the right
direction when people are down so number
six we can't get away from this without
talking about listening it's a huge part
of good communication so what are some
easy ways that we can overcome those
common listening barriers
yeah listening is a tough cookie
yeah I mean you know in the art of
communication it's probably the the
ultimate and certainly learning how to
listen deeply to another person is a big
chance especially when we we disagree
with them right if we feel like we have
a stance that is opposite to them so
they're it's very complicated but I
wanna I want to give one little tool one
a little technique is it does help to
think about it very physically right
when we don't want to listen we tend to
close off so like we close our hand you
know we tend to close our heart we tend
to just kind of withdraw from the
interaction but listening is the exact
opposite so it may be very helpful
instead of thinking of a skill to think
let me just open up my hand here and see
if I can receive what this person is
telling me without judging it without
you know I don't have to agree with that
I just have to acknowledge it as part of
that person's experience and when you
open you and you can see here I'm
leaning in I'm already coming into the
camera so that's a huge shift from I'm
tightening up I'm withdrawing to I'm
opening my hand I'm I'm moving in and
think that openness is what's gonna
change that little bit the dynamics that
are gonna taking place so when I think
about listening I always think first can
I open my hand and I can can I lean in
instead of withdrawing instead of
fighting either internally or externally
yeah and I really like the opening up
the physical gesture of opening your
hands is more than just a physical
gesture it is it puts you in the state
of mind of being open and also I like
how you said you don't have to agree
being willing to listen does not mean
you're agreeing with the person you're
just becoming a better listener and you
might just learn something you may not
agree but at least you appreciate where
they're coming from at a deeper level
and they're going to feel more heard and
that creates a bond as well even over a
difficult conversation they feel
respected they feel valued when you
really listen yeah I mean you're
absolutely right and I think and I
really think this is the magic actually
of communication and learning
communication is when you have the right
technique it can really get the not out
of relationship right because sometimes
we have these knots with people and we
can't seem to get out of them right but
listening is one of those things that's
gonna unloosen those those knots and
I've I kind of want to share this story
because I was working with somebody for
three years and we now have this amazing
professional relationship but also kind
of friendship and in fact tonight I'll
be going to her house bringing my
children but three years ago it wasn't
like this that connection wasn't quite
like this and what really solved our
knots
professionally and later on personally
this doing is very simple exercise I
just said what do you need from me and
then to reciprocate days so for her to
say you know what do I need from you and
what do I need from you and to be able
to listen to one another's needs change
the relationship drastically because I
was able to voice you know I need this
from from this professional relationship
and
was able to say I really need this and
forced to slow down and to hear that hmm
and then to try to work on meeting those
needs really really changed really
changed a lot in our connection so it's
called what I need from you as an
exercise can be really really meaningful
awesome thank you so much Julian so
let's tell people again they can get
your book on Amazon the art of positive
communication they can find your website
on at Julian Merivale comm and your TEDx
talk is on YouTube I will put links to
all of those resources in the
description below this video
Julian thank you so much my friend for
being with us today it was a real treat
thank you so much for having me it's my
pleasure to share this moment with you
and all of your subscribers and really
appreciate the opportunity in the moment
thanks and if it's the first time you're
watching this channel communication
coach we have a lot more videos so feel
free to check out the channel take care